woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
