I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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