I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
