just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
