the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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