is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
