If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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