my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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