i permit you to call me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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