I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize