I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
