I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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