The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
