there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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