batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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