So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
