I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
