Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
