She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
