When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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