You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
