i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
