the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i will never coherently bang her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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