You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize