I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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