I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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