Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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