if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
