Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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