Your face is a jimmy john
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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