Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
