I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize