Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
