The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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