Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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