woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
