Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
