I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
