I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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