Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
