I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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