Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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