I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize