In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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