this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
