it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
