im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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