just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
