She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
