U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
