My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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