i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
