That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
