I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
