what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
