I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
