I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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