My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
