no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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