i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
