if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
