his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
