just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
