The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
