Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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