MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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