so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
