Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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