SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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