I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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