a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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