To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
