You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
